How do I want to behave online?
Big Questions #2
My first Big Question was ‘What do I do?’. This one is about how I would like to experience online discourse.
Working through these questions is helpful for me, and hopefully the self-coaching approach will give you something too.
I recently started writing and publishing after taking a break. I publish, comment and engage in publicly visible conversations online. I use LinkedIn, Substack, Instagram, YouTube, even TikTok. It’s a part of the industry that I am in, and I generally enjoy learning how all of these platforms work too.
An exception to that is when I observe or experience negative reactions or the back-and-forth of some less than friendly professional debates (I’m looking at you LinkedIn :). If I am involved in an exchange like this, my inner critic jabs me with the feeling that the disagreement is something more.
I can sometimes experience the criticism as personal, as if the critic wants me to stop: to stop writing and publishing, to be quiet… to leave the discourse or to become less visible…
A lot to unpack there! There is self coaching in this post. It is about thinking and feeling through this question. Maybe you have asked yourself something similar:
how do I want to behave online?
What do I want to do?
I don’t believe I am alone in this feeling when discussing or disagreeing online. A recent study in Nature used Google’s Perspective API to assign toxicity scores to more than 500 million comments across a range of social media platforms, across a 34-year span, and they unsurprisingly found that “debates and contrasting sentiments among users significantly contribute to more intense and hostile discussions.” (source)
Perspective API defines a toxic comment as “A rude, disrespectful, or unreasonable comment that is likely to make people leave a discussion”. (source)
I am thinking about my own reactions here. How do I experience toxicity? And then, what can I do to ensure that others won’t experience my online behaviour this way?
I could ignore negative comments, but I don’t want to avoid conflict just because of a disagreement. In other words, I don’t want to withdraw from the discourse. Conflict can lead to peace in this context.
I could react with passive-aggressive faux-civility. But that’s exactly the toxicity I want to avoid, and a bit gross... certainly don’t want to do that.
I could also just put on my grown up pants and move on, but that doesn’t address the 'experience’ part. It feels bad when this happens, and I want to work on that.
So, what will I do?
I will welcome criticism and disagreement as a natural part of writing, sharing and discussing. I will not assume that all criticism and disagreement are toxic by definition. I have a helpful definition here to check for toxicity.
I am absolutely fine with being wrong and with disagreement: I don’t want to be in an echo chamber. I’ll strive to react better. Disagreement can be very conducive to learning, even if it initially feels like criticism comes from a less positive intent.
Thinking this through is helpful. Criticism can be filtered and separated from toxicity. To use a metaphor, these are my braking mechanisms, to help me slow down and work through critical responses.
If that’s the brakes, then how about propulsion?
What do I want to do more of?
When facilitating, I like to get conversation started and get myself out of the way. I guide, but allow for emergent discussion. Setting a topic at the start of a workshop is useful, but if the conversation goes another emergent and more useful direction for the participants, then we do that instead.
I would like to behave online in similar ways. I’m here for co-mentoring. I want to learn from peers, whether they are more or less experienced than me. A post might prompt a reaction that takes my idea in a different direction, and that is great. Here be discovery!
I will act in opposition to the definition of toxicity from Google Perspective API:
I will interact in respectful, reasonable ways likely to encourage people to join or to start conversations.
What impact do I want from this?
I have my brakes and I have my propulsion. Now, how about setting a course?
I started the ‘Big Questions’ series as a way to explore the Big Questions I have for myself, but why not open it out to you all?
If you are reading this: what would you like to ask me?
I will ask questions of myself and of others. I will learn how to encourage people to share questions with me, and I will continue to share open questions that I am working on myself.
What will I do differently?
Brakes, propulsion and course are all set. Now, what does it mean to boldly go?
I will publish without fear, and I will engage with others without fear. I will always strive to create space where others can feel the same, whether online or offline.
I am rereading my four resolutions here, and I am happy with the outcome of this little self-coaching exercise. I feel emboldened and secure, but I will prepare myself for how I react to a negative comment. It won’t be the end of the world!
I’d love to hear what you think about this post, about this kind of post, or about my resolutions as a way to engage with online discourse.
How do you want to behave online?
And with all of this in mind, do you have any “Big Questions“ for me?